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the woes of nora

pass
Not feeling well.

Job hunt is still turning up zilch. So depressing to send out carefully tailored cover letters and fill in application after application, and then...you just never hear back. Sorry. I did randomly run into a former Marine who saw my USNA shorts and offered to pass along my resume to a defense contracting company he used to work for. I'm not holding my breath, but at least it's better than being one of the faceless horde on Monster.

Cannot believe J's only been gone 10 days. The first week wasn't TOO bad (aside from that first day), but the past couple days have been hitting me hard. I've only gotten like 2 emails from him (I write him every day). Making it until January feels impossible.

I've been throwing myself into my writing lately (one upside of unemployment), but that too has its own soul-sucking dimension. The paths of querying are lined with form rejections (or worse, no-response-means-no). I'm halfway through writing my fifth novel-length manuscript and I still don't know if I'll ever have "it." Entirely possible that I am delusional for even trying.

Been trying to eat healthy. Except I haven't felt like cooking and half the time getting dressed and leaving the apartment isn't happening either. So while I'm managing to maintain a calorie deficit, I wouldn't say I'm really being healthy and my body isn't exactly shedding fat like one would hope. I have been working out more which is definitely helping some.

In good news, my parents are coming to visit next week and I'm actually quite excited about it. Four days under my roof I can do! Pippin continues to be the world's cutest bunny (though kind of a little shit!). And while I'm stressed out about the implications for my financial future, I must say I am a lazy enough person that I am still enjoying the time freedom of unemployment.

So to cap off this mostly-depressing post, here is a bunny picture!

2014-07-20 18.56.07

guns are fun but mostly they suck

sheldon mad
I was at the Dallas Love airport this morning, getting ready to fly back to Cali after a short visit to see my sister and J's sister and their new babies (cuties, both!). We were standing in line, waiting to go through security, when the elevator doors opened and discharged a large man carrying a black duffel bag and just SCREAMING so loud. Maybe bellowing is a better word. He was pretty far away but his voice carried throughout the entire terminal area. And he was just screaming "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" At one point I think he screamed "FUCK YOU, OBAMA" but I'm not positive. And he screamed at the crowd of us standing there "FUCK YOU, TOO."

Then he left (I think onto another elevator) and a couple of TSA agents (quite leisurely, it seemed) went after him to make sure the situation was under control.

Honestly, I was really scared. It pretty much seemed like the opening to a shooting. It is completely possible he could have had a small arsenal, entirely legally purchased, in that bag. We were in Texas, where you can buy a gun at a pawn shop, FFS.

And that's fucking bullshit. I shouldn't have to be terrified that someone is going open fire on a crowd I am in. I like guns. I've gone to shooting ranges (mandatory, for me) and really enjoyed it. I've had the chance to shoot a ridiculously large machine gun with tracers, and yeah, it was pretty cool. And yes, of course, the second amendment is a thing. But I don't think that the tradeoff is worth it. I don't think that what we gain as a society by clinging onto clearly inappropriate levels of civilian armament is worth it. Yes, I know that there are already so many guns out there that they won't go away if we have stricter gun laws. I know there are many ways of getting a gun without going through legal channels. I know that the disproportionate amount of mass murders in the U.S. isn't solely due to guns but is also largely cultural in nature (I'm not even going to try to cover the scapegoat that is mental health). But. These things are never going to change if we never try. Maybe I will never get the chance to live in a society that doesn't think we have the right to shoot people at will. But maybe my nieces and nephews can, or their kids. Or maybe they'll just be sitting in the same place we are now, saying "there are too many factors, it's too hard!" and putting it off even further.

Okay, that's my unnecessary political rant for the day. I guess I should just be glad I didn't get shot. This time.

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Honorably Discharged

face
Well, it's official. I'm done with the Navy!

Okay not entirely. I have my DD214, but it is only administratively issued, as technically I am active duty until June 7. And even after that I'll technically by in the inactive reserves for another 3 years. But for all intents and purposes, I am done.

It's been a long, long journey. From a scared 17 year old girl to a still scared 26 year old woman, with a lot of stops along the way. This day has been a VERY long time coming and I am not sure my brain even knows how to process it. It hasn't really hit me yet.

I could get up tomorrow and fly to Europe. I could go off the grid for weeks. I could sleep all day or go get a tattoo on my face or just spend three weeks working on my tan. I can do whatever the fuck I want. For the first time in 9 years, no one owns me. In fact, it's really the first time EVER. I went from being in high school/living with my parents to joining the Navy. I've gained more freedom as I went, like getting my own apartment and learning how to deal with the real world, but the Navy is very much an almost parental like figure. It's crazy that I could get arrested and not have to immediately call and inform my chain of command.

Of course I still have obligations. I have savings but I do need to get a job eventually. I am not just going to abandon J and take off on a trek through central America. I have bills to pay and chores to do and tasks to accomplish. But if I really wanted to say fuck it then I could, and just having the option is a weird, wonderful feeling.

And to balance this all out, I am sick and getting sicker (currently in the nasal drip/sore throat/headache/loss of appetite area, but full-on congestion and sleeplessness is sure to come), so I'm likely going to spend my first few days popping medicines and wanting to die, as I am not particularly stoic about being sick.

easy as pie

baking
I put my pie baking skills to the test last weekend, and I think I am improving! Sure, I still cried when trying to line the pan with the crust. Seriously that shit is impossible, it breaks everywhere and grrr...but in the end, the crust turned out crumbly and delicious and the pie even looked halfway decent, which mine generally do not!

proof

And it tasted even better. It's been years since I've had strawberry rhubarb pie, and I was afraid I was misremembering how delicious it could be. Turns out I was not! We finished half the pie (suitably decked with french vanilla ice cream and whipped cream) the first night.

Nothing wrong with bringing some love into the world via fat, sugar, and flour! Well, my scale disagrees, but whatevs. Now time to reprise the dark chocolate peanut butter banana caramel cupcakes for J's work event tonight!

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HK gun
Just got back from a whirlwind trip (landed Wed night, left Fri afternoon) to DC for my nuclear engineer interview with naval reactors. I not only passed, but I scored an excellent, so I got whisked up to the admiral's office for a handshake and a coin. It's not especially important--it has little relevance outside of the Navy--but it was still a nice moment for me.

I got a chance to see an old high school friend who lives out there, and I got to walk about and be a little touristy before my flight back. It was quite cold, but at least I thought ahead and had brought winter coat/scarf/gloves/hat/long sleeves/thick socks. I know my own threshold for cold!

On the taxi back from the airport tonight I realized that my house keys were not in my purse and that my car was inside the garage. J is underway, so I was locked out. My plane didn't land til after 9 PM, so by the time a locksmith came (and left with 200 of my dollars), it was close to 11. Long long day! That I have now made much longer by staying up past 1 AM reading the board and other random things.

I have exactly 2 months before I begin my terminal leave. I have no job nor any job prospects at the moment, I feel completely unprepared to be an adult, I have no idea what I am doing with my life or what I want to be doing with my life or what I need to do to get to a place where I can figure those things out. But...that's life, eh?

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Kauai

sheldon ohhh
But boyfriend issues aside, the trip to Kauai was AMAZEBALLS.

The scenery everywhere was just beautiful in every direction. Forests, valleys, mountains, beaches, just a naturally lush tropical island out of story or something. We took a helicopter tour in a tiny little helicopter with the doors off, which was exhilarating and sometimes terrifying and completely stunning. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much by the time it was over! We drove to scenic overlooks of the "Grand Canyon of the Pacific" (Waimea Canyon) and hiked to waterfalls and drove to remote beaches with pounding waves and few people. Unfortunately I got some mean ol' blisters on our first hike on the bottom of my feet, so I was effectively crippled for a few days, but I managed to have a good trip in spite of that. It was my first time to Kauai (I'd been to Oahu several times and the Big Island once before), and J's first time to Hawai'i at all. It was amazing. :)

Photos in the cuts.

From the pool at our hotel.Collapse )

Just walking back from the mall.Collapse )

Hiking on the Na Pali coast.Collapse )

Hanapakiai Falls.Collapse )

View from the air on our helo.Collapse )

A few panoramas.Collapse )

Sunset at the hotel.Collapse )

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i have been taught accomodation

ugly one
Stumbled across this today, and it really struck a note with me:



Sometimes I feel like I've spent half my life apologizing. Today I probably apologized 10 times to the cashier who had to call his manager to help me get the $20 off I was supposed to get. I feel like I'm always trying to take up less space, I always feel in the way, I feel like I owe the world an apology for being so big, for being so weak, for not being a professional athlete or whatever it is they think it's so obvious I must be doing. I apologize to J for gaining weight, I berate myself inwardly and outwardly for succumbing to ice cream and cookies when I'm feeling bored or down and think it makes me less worthy of a human being that I can't stop my hunger or my waistline.

I dunno. Just frustrated with myself, caught between not being able to just not care but also not being able to be who I want.

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coming soon!

sheldon ohhh
Got an apartment lined up, my leave is approved, the truck is rented, my plane ticket is purchased...holy shit this is real. I am SO excited and ready for this. I don't know how I'm going to make it another 18 days! I am far too impatient.

my future is coming....

face
Met with a head hunter guy today. It was a somewhat frustrating meeting in that he asked a lot "What would you prefer in regards to ___?" questions and I just kept answering "Well...I don't really know."

It's not like I haven't thought about it (and thought about it and thought about it). I just don't know! And we discussed the fact that I am only interested in jobs in San Diego (not only is this where I want to live, there is zero chance I am moving away from J just as soon as we are finally in the same city). He said that I am a great candidate and I could have almost any job, but maybe not in San Diego. He warned me that he has seen other SWO(N) get out and end up waiting tables.

And I told him I was okay with that. That if we couldn't find something in San Diego, I'd rather stay here and work at Starbucks. I have never seen someone embody the word "flabbergasted" so well. He then proceeded to lecture me about how I had been given so many gifts and I would be wasted doing something like that ("Leave that for other people who aren't as special as you") and that I owed it (to society? the world? he didn't specify) to fulfill my potential.

I get where he is coming from, but I just don't agree. I want to be happy. I want to not dread going to work. I'd like for that to be at a good, well-paying job with a career path. But maybe it won't be. There are so many possibilities out there. The headhunters can be useful, but they really only represent a very small subset of options in a corporate/management type career. I'm scared about getting out, but I refuse to be so scared that I end up missing out on something that would really suit me.

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The Oatmeal strikes again

ugly one
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

This is just...yeah. So much me. I, too, fight a constant battle against the Blerch. It is sometimes won, but never over.


  • "Heck yes I did not eat to the point of vomiting!"

  • "I want to slay the Kraken, I just don't want to lift the sword."

  • "Don't be a baked potato. Be a person." (I struggle with this so much--trying to find the physical aspect of myself that will make me happy without discounting all the other things that might make me happy. It is HARD. There are many, many days that I feel I would happily trade every ounce of intelligence, wit, and humor I have for a lower body fat and an ideal body. That's a bad fucking trade, self!)

  • "I've always considered the question to be 'Why am I alive? Why am I here? What's the point of me?' And to that I say: WHO CARES! FORGET THE WHY. YOU ARE IN A RAGING FOREST FULL OF BEAUTY AND AGONY AND MAGICAL GRAPEY BEVERAGES AND LIGHTNING STORMS AND DEMON BEES. THIS IS BETTER THAN THE WHY."

  • "And the buzzing roar of the world is nothing compared to the noise inside my head. I'm an introspective person, and sometimes I think too much, about my job and my life. I feed an army of pointless, bantering demons."